Monday, September 2, 2013

Hot Enough



MR. FREEZE and BATMAN sit an arm’s length apart at one end of a very long park bench in summer afternoon sun. The once-green grass around them has dried down and yellowed. The park is quiet except for the sound of children playing in a fountain and a dog barking in the distance.

(as if to himself)
I don’t remember it ever being so hot that I didn’t feel like committing mayhem.

(beat) I don’t remember it ever being so hot that I couldn’t be bothered about your troublemaking.
(beat) I’m so uncomfortable I can’t move.

They sit motionless, a warm breeze playing with BATMAN’s cape as it hangs over the bench. MR. FREEZE pulls a handkerchief out of his pants’ pocket and blots his forehead, his brow knotted in frustration.

Damn it. It’s so fucking hot today, my makeup is melting.

(beat) Tell me about it. My nuts are deep-frying in this stupid Spanx suit.

BATMAN wiggles his right leg as if to ease his groin. The two men continue their vigil.

A growl interrupts their reverie. The two men look down at the far end of the bench where SUPERMAN stands abruptly. He tugs angrily at his tie, his white button-down shirt already open to expose red-and-blue beneath. His suit coat falls off his broad shoulders onto the bench before he unbuttons his shirt cuffs and rolls up his sleeves, exposing his red-and-blue undergarment.

Oh shut up, you two whiners. Nobody asks either of you to solve climate change—

SUPERMAN tugs at his groin area, then shakes his left leg, then his right, shifting his weight before wiggling his butt.

(beat) And Spanx. Fucking spandex uniform. It’s like wearing a goddamn plastic bag under this suit. No wonder women get so bitchy about pantyhose and shapewear.
(beat) Makes a guy twerk against his will.

A cellphone rings in SUPERMAN’s pants’ pocket. He pulls it out to answer it.

Kent here.
(beat) No, Mr. President, with all due respect, I’ve explained this to you before, I can’t do anything about this weather.
(beat) Yes, it’s a man-made disaster.
(beat) No, I can’t reverse the planet that far back in time. I’m sorry, I don’t care what that crazy old Dick Cheney said.

MR. FREEZE and BATMAN continue to watch SUPERMAN as he slowly turns and walks away, squirming as though his underwear are too tight while he murmurs into the cellphone.

Yeah, I suppose it could be worse. Could be on the hot seat.

The two men chuckle and resume watching kids playing in the park fountain in the distance.


Hat tip to Isaac Marion (@isaacinspace).
Batman, Superman, Mr. Freeze property of DC Comics.
Original material © Copyright 2013—All rights reserved.
This original parody sketch by Femme Malheureuse


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