INT. TSA SECURITY CHECK-IN LINE - LATE MORNING
JERRY is flustered, rushing to the check-in line as he listens to flight announcements overhead. He removes his shoes, chucks them in a plastic tray with his keys on the inspection conveyor, and lays his laptop bag open along with a floral tapestry bag along side the tray.
JERRY steps through the metal detector, arms up, while watching his tray and laptop bag move into the x-ray and out the other side.
The floral bag does not emerge. JERRY stands at the exit end of the x-ray, waiting for TSA WORKER-1 to finish x-raying the bag.
TSA WORKER-1 looks up from the x-ray monitor at JERRY, then flags TSA WORKER-2 to look at the monitor.
PASSENGERS are restless and glare at the TSA WORKERS and JERRY.
TSA WORKER-2 whispers to TSA WORKER-1 though they cannot be heard. TSA WORKER-2 takes the floral bag as it emerges from the scanner.
TSA WORKER-2 carries the floral bag to the end of the line where an empty table waits. TSA WORKER-3 approaches; they appear to be more senior. TSA WORKER-2 whispers in TSA WORKER-3’s ear as they both eye JERRY up and down.
Sir, can you tell me about the contents of this bag? The name on the bag doesn’t appear to match the name on the laptop bag. Did anyone give you this bag to carry?
Yes, I was supposed to carry this bag for someone.
All the TSA WORKERS within hearing look up at JERRY. The security line comes to a halt as TSA WORKER-4 and TSA WORKER-5 now approach JERRY from behind while gesturing to passengers in the line to halt.
Do you have the name of the person for whom you are carrying this bag?
Yes, my girlfriend. Her name is Elyse Johnson. She asked me to bring it with me on my trip.
Sir, the name on this tag is not Elyse Johnson. To whom does this bag belong, sir?
What? Hang on, I can call her—
(pulls out phone and presses display)
(gestures to stop)
I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, sir. Please give me your cellphone.
Huh? I’m just calling my girlfriend.
Sir, please do as you’re asked.
JERRY hands his phone over to TSA WORKER-3, who checks the phone to see if the number on the display matches the name JERRY offered.
Can you tell us anything about the contents of this bag, sir?
It’s my girlfriend’s bag. She left ahead of me on a business side trip. I’m supposed to meet her on vacation and bring this bag with me. It’s got personal effects she didn’t want to pack for her business trip. It might be a bag she borrowed from her mother or a girlfriend. I don’t know.
There’s a suspicious object in this bag. We need to unload the bag and inspect the contents.
TSA WORKER-2 unloads the bag slowly, one object at a time — books, additional lingerie and swimsuits in a clear plastic bag, small bottles of sunscreen, a makeup bag, phone charger, batteries.
TSA WORKER-2 looks at TSA WORKER-3, shaking their head negatively. TSA WORKER-3 nods. TSA WORKER-2 begins to palpate the bag, feeling for something at the bottom of the bag not in plain sight.
TSA WORKER-2 takes the bag back to the scanner and asks TSA WORKER-1 to run it through again. They peer carefully at the display, pointing to something.
TSA WORKER-2 brings the bag back from the scanner and opens the bag more fully.
Sir, there appears to be something inside a hidden pocket in this bag. We’re going to have to open this. Are you sure you can’t tell us something about it?
Um, no, I have no idea what she packed, let alone that there was a hidden pocket.
JERRY appears worried, running his hand through his hair. TSA WORKER-4 and TSA WORKER-5 are more alert now, watching JERRY carefully.
TSA WORKER-2 turns bag upside down, then rights the bag when nothing comes out. TSA WORKER-2 palpates the bag’s interior again, then removes the bottom liner to reveal a Velcro-sealed pocket.
TSA WORKER-2 open the Velcro closure with a long ripping sound, drawing the attention of all persons in the security area. TSA WORKER-2 reaches into the pocket and pulls out another pack of batteries, a detachable power charger, a small bottle of personal lubricant, and a massive, flesh-colored, vibrator-dildo.
JERRY’s eyes nearly bug out of his head, his jaw drops open, slack with shock as TSA WORKERS and passengers alike gasp.
TSA WORKER-3 raises an eyebrow, then holds out arms in calming gesture.
It’s a dick, people, not a bomb. Move along.
JERRY hangs head in shame.
Um, sorry, man. Must be some vacation your girl has planned, eh?
JERRY just shakes his head as TSA WORKER-2 stows dildo and batteries back in the bag.
© Copyright 2013—All rights reserved.
By Femme Malheureuse