Zuklear

ZUKLEAR

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

LANI lies swaddled under blankets in her darkened room. Clock radio reads Weds Aug 28 11:00 AM. ALAN enters room, stopping to take note of his wife’s condition.

ALAN

Are you alright?

LANI

(muffled)

Huh? (beat) What do you think?

ALAN

You’re all bundled up and it’s August. It’s warm in here and it’s even hotter outside. You’ve been like this for days.

LANI

(muffled)

Yeah, well, that happens when people get the flu during summer. I’ve got a fever and I feel chilled because of it.

ALAN

Do you need anything? Are you sure you shouldn’t see the doctor?

LANI

No, I’m drinking fluids, getting rest, and I’m not paying two hundred bucks to sit in a waiting room filled with sick people for two hours just so Doc can tell me my symptoms suggest I’ve got the flu, drink fluids, and rest.

ALAN

Okay, then. I’ll just get you some fresh water. Anything else?

LANI

Can you go to Shelley’s and pick the vegetables in her garden? She left Sunday and won’t be back until Tuesday.

ALAN

Can’t her boyfriend pick the garden? I’ve got a meeting at the office, a lunch meeting, and then a golf match.

LANI

(moans) Jay got a small contract job and won’t be around during the day. Don’t worry about it. We’ll have to hope it doesn’t rain or the vegetables will go nuts.

ALAN

Um, it’s sprinkling now. It’s supposed to pour tonight.

LANI

Thanks. I feel so much better knowing that. (sighs)

ALAN

Go back to sleep. It’ll be fine. I’ll see you tonight.

FADE OUT.

INT. HOME OFFICE - EARLY EVENING

LANI is seated at her desk, beneath a calendar displaying the day’s date, Tues September 3. She’s still sniffling a bit and wearing a sweater. LANI picks up the phone on her desk when it rings.

LANI

Lani here.

(beat) Oh! Shelley! You’re back! How was your vacation?

(beat) Excellent! You came in on the red eye, right? How was it, any turbulence?

(beat) No? Good.

(beat) I couldn’t make it over to pick your vegetables. I’ve been laid up with the flu all week. I’m just turning the corner now, it’s the first day I’ve been able to sit at my desk for more than an hour.

(beat) I’ll be home. If I don’t answer the door, I may be back in bed again. Just leave whatever it is on the front porch.

(beat) Thanks, Shell, glad you’re home. See you soon! (hangs up)

ALAN enters the home office.

ALAN

Did I hear the phone?

LANI

It’s okay, I got it. It was Shelley, back from the coast. She said she’s going to drop off something from the garden later. I know you’re going out, don’t worry about whatever it is.

ALAN

Okay, I’ll try not to wake you when I get in.

ALAN leans in and gives LANI a peck on the cheek.

FADE OUT.

EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT

A cab pulls up outside LANI’s and ALAN’s house. ALAN is a bit tipsy after a night out with his friends and is a little less than sure-footed as he exits cab after paying cabbie. He eases his way up to the front porch while trying to pull house keys out of his pants’ pocket.

ALAN trips over something on the porch, giving a small shout of shock as he collapses onto the porch deck. He moans in pain and surprise as he rights himself and puts his key in the front door. After opening the door and entering the house, he flips on the front porch light in order to inspect the front porch.

ALAN lurches back away clumsily from whatever is on the porch, eyes wide and eyebrows raised in awe.

ALAN

(softly)

Oh. My. God.

FADE OUT.

INT. MASTER BATHROOM - NIGHT

Preparing to go to bed for the night, LANI is in the shower. The door of the shower eases open slowly, though she is unaware of any movement as she rinses her hair and face under the running water.

LANI jumps and screams, turning to face the open shower door while backing up against the tile.

LANI

(yelling)

ALAN! Help!! What the fuck?! What is that thing? It’s cold!

ALAN’s appears around the shower door, laughing evilly at his prank. He holds up the object he poked her with — a massive zucchini about four feet long and a foot in diameter.

ALAN

(chuckling)

I’m pretty sure this “zuklear weapon” is Shelley’s “thank you” for picking the garden.

LANI is still clutching her wash cloth to her chest, awed and horrified by the massive vegetable ALAN is holding out to her.

LANI

I don’t know which is worse. Shelley leaving that...that thing on the porch, or you shoving it at me in the shower.

ALAN

(laughing)

Whatever you make of it, you have to admit it’s pretty funny. It’s too bad I didn’t have a camera to capture your reaction.

(waves zucchini) I almost broke my neck on this damned thing in the dark. It better make a world’s record zucchini bread.

BLACK OUT.

_________

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By Femme Malheureuse